rainy days (in 2010)

it's raining outside, can i have an umbrella?

I have been quiet lately. After coming back from Alor Star attending a wedding of my friend, i have this mix feeling (i.e happy and sad). Happy because she is finally married to the love of her life after so many obstacles (memandai je tambah sendiri) but at the same time I could not contain this sad feeling. Sad because this is going to be the last wedding of my classmates that i desperately wanted to attend. There will be no more the most awaited wedding after this.

To those who are close to me (esp those from Kulliyyah of Pharmacy, IIUM), i need not to elaborate further on this matter. Yes, people come and people go. But some have created an impact in the life of others. She was gone. Yes, a close friend of mine passed away last April. It was so sudden and everybody was shocked. I'm never prepared for it. For the loss. Loss is tiresome. Loss is exhaustive.

Really.

Tiring up to the point that you wished for someone to murder you to erase the feeling (nauzubillah). The feeling is like tidal waves. It keeps coming back when i just about to forget it. It lingers there when I least expecting it. I don’t want to remember her for the time being (because it will make me sad) as much as I miss her and wanting to talk about her. I haven’t finish grieving. It only gets less intense in time. I can't imagine how those who had loss their love one or child coping with this kind of feeling.

This is a kind of lesson that i believe HE is trying to teach me. To be stronger than before. For me to be closer to Him. To remember Him more. To be reminded of death often. That death is closer than what you think. And for me to do my best in whatever I do. This might be the lesson that He wanted me to learn from this loss.

However, one of the things that i can't stand last few months was to experience the difficulty to fall asleep despite the long interval after the loss. If you'd noticed, I'd been complaining a lot about it lately. It was really hard for me to fall asleep. Everytime I was about to sleep and close my eyes, I have this feeling and thought, that what if I never wake up after this. It's so annoying and it's embarassing to admit here. Believe me, it was hard to sleep because of this fear. It started somewhere before fasting month and it did not go away eventhough i was away in my hometown. It did not resolve not even on the night of Hari Raya. I can't hardly fall asleep every night. Do you have any idea how freaking serious it was?  I tried many things to resolve this, and reached for many to help me. Alhamdulillah, it resolved.

Now coming back to the wedding in Alor Star, it’s heart-breaking to hold your tears when at the same time all you have to do is to put a bright smile on your friend's wedding day. It’s hard not to think about her on that day. It’s hard not to have a flashback of happy moments of another wedding which all of us attended together last year in Melaka. It is hard to think about something and not relating them with her on that day.

Tears fell freely. I wept them alone.

But don’t worry. I’m fine as long as I don’t think about this. What I mean is to really really think about this. I’m not quite sure if I’m going to write about this again in future. But if I do, would you care to help me resolve this feeling? Or would you be bored with this?

May Allah bless you, Zarina.
May we meet again. Amiin.

Ps: 2010 will always be a year to remember.