Clear Lake Islamic Center

a lost soul must be in constant need of finding its Creator. always.

twenty-twelve

insyaAllah, i'll be either going to the States or to UK (preferably on summer) this year. i hope everything will be ok and i manage to do it. Allhamdulillah. there are so many things for me to be thankful for. :)

How to Unlock the iJannah - Suhaib Webb

a good thing to start your day with. ;)

p/s: i blog using tumblr now. but i  still love this blog. so i'll post something here from time to time to keep it alive.

i'm back

yeah, i'm back. blogging with this old blogspot instead of tumblr. because i find my tumblr has too many followers. not a close one. hehe. so i guess i should be blogging even more frequent after this. my previous entry was in january 2011. i found that all the entries prior to that were depressing, dark, and unhealthy. not that now i have healthy mind. haha! oh yeah, a lot of things happened between january - september. im not gonna highlight about the sad things. not in the mood to recall those unhappiness and dark and gloomy side of my life, yet.

the most important thing that happened to me this year was, my umrah trip. alhamdulillah. im looking forward for more of those trips. and looking forward for hajj too. :) oh yes, by the end of this year, insyaAllah i'll be having one more achievement. O Allah, please grant me your blessing. amiin. ;D

of course there are a lot things to tell. but i cant right now. i'll be back to tell them in the next entry. 

trash talker

i find that entries this blog are getting crappier than ever. this blog used to be a place where i share my thought. but now i use it as a place to shout. the word 'thinkr' doesnt fit the purpose of the blog anymore. so i created another account. a place where i can put all the crap.

http://fadhilah-h.tumblr.com/

or should i retain all the crap here and put thoughtful post in my tumblr? hehe

kosong

pernah tak rasa macam dunia ni tak pernah mendengar?
pernah tak rasa yang dunia ni seakan-akan buta?
pernah tak rasa semua itu sia-sia belaka?
pernah tak rasa dipergunakan?
pernah tak rasa seperti halimunan walaupun secara jelas dan nyata kamu wujud?
pernah tak rasa hampa?
pernah tak rasa disaingi walaupun kamu bukanlah saingan?
pernah tak rasa dibenci walaupun kamu tidak pernah membenci?
pernah tak rasa dikhianati walaupun kamu telah penat memberi?
pernah tak rasa 'tolonglah bagi aku chance pulak!!!'?
pernah tak rasa kosong macam tu?
pernah tak rasa nak marah dengan semua itu?
pernah tak rasa sangat depress dengan semua itu?
pernah tak???


ps: penulis sgt pissed off. sila jangan kacau atau bertanya sebarang soalan. sebarang soalan tidak akan dilayan.

good bye 2010





http://www.flickr.com/photos/fadhilah/5308465293/

 Hoping for a brighter, better, meaningful and merrier 2011.

Mahu banyak jalan-jalan tahun ini dan membawa diri. sekian.

rainy days (in 2010)

it's raining outside, can i have an umbrella?

I have been quiet lately. After coming back from Alor Star attending a wedding of my friend, i have this mix feeling (i.e happy and sad). Happy because she is finally married to the love of her life after so many obstacles (memandai je tambah sendiri) but at the same time I could not contain this sad feeling. Sad because this is going to be the last wedding of my classmates that i desperately wanted to attend. There will be no more the most awaited wedding after this.

To those who are close to me (esp those from Kulliyyah of Pharmacy, IIUM), i need not to elaborate further on this matter. Yes, people come and people go. But some have created an impact in the life of others. She was gone. Yes, a close friend of mine passed away last April. It was so sudden and everybody was shocked. I'm never prepared for it. For the loss. Loss is tiresome. Loss is exhaustive.

Really.

Tiring up to the point that you wished for someone to murder you to erase the feeling (nauzubillah). The feeling is like tidal waves. It keeps coming back when i just about to forget it. It lingers there when I least expecting it. I don’t want to remember her for the time being (because it will make me sad) as much as I miss her and wanting to talk about her. I haven’t finish grieving. It only gets less intense in time. I can't imagine how those who had loss their love one or child coping with this kind of feeling.

This is a kind of lesson that i believe HE is trying to teach me. To be stronger than before. For me to be closer to Him. To remember Him more. To be reminded of death often. That death is closer than what you think. And for me to do my best in whatever I do. This might be the lesson that He wanted me to learn from this loss.

However, one of the things that i can't stand last few months was to experience the difficulty to fall asleep despite the long interval after the loss. If you'd noticed, I'd been complaining a lot about it lately. It was really hard for me to fall asleep. Everytime I was about to sleep and close my eyes, I have this feeling and thought, that what if I never wake up after this. It's so annoying and it's embarassing to admit here. Believe me, it was hard to sleep because of this fear. It started somewhere before fasting month and it did not go away eventhough i was away in my hometown. It did not resolve not even on the night of Hari Raya. I can't hardly fall asleep every night. Do you have any idea how freaking serious it was?  I tried many things to resolve this, and reached for many to help me. Alhamdulillah, it resolved.

Now coming back to the wedding in Alor Star, it’s heart-breaking to hold your tears when at the same time all you have to do is to put a bright smile on your friend's wedding day. It’s hard not to think about her on that day. It’s hard not to have a flashback of happy moments of another wedding which all of us attended together last year in Melaka. It is hard to think about something and not relating them with her on that day.

Tears fell freely. I wept them alone.

But don’t worry. I’m fine as long as I don’t think about this. What I mean is to really really think about this. I’m not quite sure if I’m going to write about this again in future. But if I do, would you care to help me resolve this feeling? Or would you be bored with this?

May Allah bless you, Zarina.
May we meet again. Amiin.

Ps: 2010 will always be a year to remember.

2010 in review part I

i can't restore my brain to default setting.
my mood is very unstable lately.
ok, i want to do 2010 in review right now (in terms of photography and career) eventhough we still have 30 days to go for 2010.

2010 is indeed a great year for me.

i was invited to be a speaker for;

1 Good Clinical Practice (GCP) course held by public university (in June)
1 course for fresh graduates held by private university (in April)
1 day seminar held by a government institution (in July)
and

a 3 days workshop held by a private institution (in July)

oh well, i got paid at least rm120++ for each of the courses. and for the 3 days workshop, with the amount that i was paid (just add on few hundred bucks), i can own a D700! :D Alhamdulillah. siapa yang tak tahu harga D700 boleh search kat YLcamera punya website. hehe. sangat happy for myself. at least dengan duit extra tu saya dah dapat buat macam-macam yang mungkin tak boleh dibuat kalau tak ada duit extra (tak perlu la nak mention kan apa yg saya buat). saya juga telah berjaya membeli tripod dan set cokin. sebelum ni berkira nak beli tripod. mahal seh. rm500++. hehe memang cheapskate. dan yang selebihnya dapat tambah tabungan.

the best thing was during 3 days workshop, the senior Prof. was sort of likes me. haha (perasan). when i finished my preliminary lecture, he approached me during the tea break. he said, 'did u graduated from oversea?' i said 'no, i'm from UIA'. then he asked again 'which year did you graduated?' i said 'i graduated in 2007'. and then he said, 'you are still young. and you are good u know. u have a bright future to be in this field. it's good to know there is a pharmacist in this field.' upon hearing that, i was like smiling for the whole day. hahaha. :D

dari segi fotografi, saya telah berjaya mencuba & menceburi beberapa bidang photography terbaru. i learned new techniques, and i did a lot of photohunting this year. people started to ask me for my service not only in wedding or event, but also for portraiture, products and birthday party photography. Alhamdulillah. rezekiku murah. cuma masalahnya saya malas nak shoot je sekarang ni. saya tolak beberapa job wedding sebab tak ada passion dan semangat waktu nak shoot. saya kena kenal atau rapat dengan subject baru saya boleh bagi photo yang ada impact. kalau setakat kenal biasa-biasa saja gambar saya macam tak ada feel. tak sukalah gambar macam tu. flat aje.

i still cry

8th Nov 2010 :
tiba-tiba rasa nak activate FB balik. my mind said no, but my heart forced me to do so. masuk-masuk je, dekat top news, i saw this one album. once i saw the pictures, the familiar face, my tears started to fall.

i miss u.

void

sangat tak da mood. tak da mood sangat-sangat!!!!!

if, by any chance, anyone who is reading this,
understand what i mean,
then, thank you.

IF, by any chance, you are reading this.
i would really want to say few things to you,
and i want to meet you again.



p/s: it's really hard for me to fulfill the wish. :'(

i am a superwoman

lama betul tak update blog. flickr pun lama terabai. i usually channel my feeling through my photographs, through my writings (please refer to my previous blog entries). and oh yes, saya dah deactivate my FB. reasons? i feel sick, really realy sick. rasa macam everything that i did not worth at all. i just need support, ok. you see, i'm just a normal person. in times, i get drained too. oh wait. no. i'm actually a superwoman. yes i am. (hahaha). tak ada org nak puji. baik puji diri sendiri. yes, i am a superwoman. =)

lately saya tengah tengok balik photography archive saya ni. i found out that i have a lot of picture to share actually. tapi yang kat flickr, saya selalu letak gambar ala-ala poskad. yg macam journalism mungkin kena letak kat blog. i'm planning to have my own website. yg bole letak my photographs and at the same time i can blog. hmm, tengah berfikir ni. berbaloi tak ada website sendiri. sekali tak update blog. rugi je. :P



currently listening to : superwoman - Alicia Keys

look after you

i look after you.
in your darkest hour.
when everything seems so far away.
when your hope seems to fade away.


currently listening to:

time for myself

dear friends,
i'm tired.
i need to recharge.

dear people,
i'm drained.
dont burden me with stupid things.

dear mind,
i need the best of you.
please accompany me back soon.

dear heart,
i need your highest degree of strength.
so that the old me be back and i'll be strong again.

i need time for myself. coz i want to fix things.




currently listening to:

[sepi]

. . . . .

i wish

i pray and wish for God to guide me
so that i wont be taking any stupid action

i wish for a wiser me
so that i know what to look for in life

i wish for a stronger me
so that i can get through all the hardships

i wish for a better me
so that it will overrule the current me

in the end,
i only wish for my first wish.

end.

the.life.story.

love.care.share

laugh.cry.smile

work.play.joy

live.serve.die.

time is running out

my time is borrowed.
and i know u r not here.
so pls come back, soon.



As I remember you...
Silence mingled in corridors that once filled with crowds

the things that i would say before i go

i pray that u're happy
i hope that u're doing great
i'm glad to see everything has been taken care of
i want to see all the parts of you are still there, as i remember them

and..
i have found the place where i shall wait for you. :)